In April of 2010, my husband and I conceived our first child. Although unplanned, we were elated and ready to embrace the next chapter of life. Unfortunately, at 12 weeks we suffered a devastating loss in the form of a missed miscarriage.
I was 23 at the time, healthy, active and young, for me there was no logical reason for our child to pass. I was left dumbfounded and depressed. The thought of a miscarriage had never even crossed my mind and there I was suffering a major loss.
In September of 2010, two months after a D&C, I become CONSUMED with getting pregnant. I was filled with a DESPERATE NEED, an overwhelming DESIRE really, to have a baby. The feeling was so strong that it ate up every single minute, hour and day. At the same time, I was terrified of another miscarriage. I was determined to do everything I/we possibly could to carry a healthy child to term.
I remember trying to talk to my Doctor, (who I changed immediately after this) about how I was feeling. In one of the most vulnerable states of my life, this woman looked back at me with cold, uncaring eyes and said “Why? Why do you feel a NEED to be pregnant? You’re only 23.” And when I could not give her a logical answer, she shrugged and walked out of the room.
When I was looking for comfort, reassurance, and support I got nothing. Not an ounce of empathy or understanding. Never in my life had I felt more like a number, or someone’s paycheck then at that moment.
Feeling hopeless, I took the internet. I needed to find someone to connect with, someone who cared and understood what I was going through. (At this point even my husband was starting to look at me like I was not all there in the head. And to be perfectly honest I wasn’t. Even though he was great through the whole experience, he did not understand my obsession with getting pregnant.)
I joined forums, downloaded apps and began researching anything and everything to do with Women’s Reproductive Health, Fertility, and Conception.
During this time, I met some fantastic ladies that grew into a support team, we even branched out of the forums and talked daily via text. It was amazing to have people who also peed on a stick 45 times a day and not judge you. It was priceless.
After nine months of trying to get pregnant, I finally got that BFP I had been spending months obsessing about. Our first daughter was born in November 2011.
